


Empty Space

by Sashaya



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, POV First Person, Shepard Has Issues, Shepard's name is Ailish, a bit of romance, survivor's guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:44:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3824485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashaya/pseuds/Sashaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Between Virmire and Citadel were days of journey. Days better spent on not-thinking. If that was ever so easy…</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Empty Space

**Author's Note:**

> **_Disclaimer:_** _The characters belong to Bioware._

It doesn’t hit me at first. It never does. I speak to the crew – give them words of consolation I want to hear. I ask them to honor Chief Ashley Williams’ death with a minute of silence. It’s an old tradition but I think she would appreciate it. 

I can feel Kaidan’s and Garrus’ eyes on me, when I ask my crew to honor the death of Urdnot Wrex, the krogan warrior. I know there will be a confrontation of sort in the future but I owed him that much. 

I’m fine, when I walk around and talk to my people. Kaidan looks at me like he wants to argue. Garrus talks to me with his old eyes and I pretend not to understand. Tali has hidden in the engine room, whispering to herself. Liara outright tells me I’m a liar. 

I don’t argue and leave quickly. I call it a tactical retreat.

It’s hard wandering around the ship and seeing all the places Ashley and Wrex normally were. I enter the workshop and expect Wrex to scowl at me for interrupting. I expect to find Ashley at the range and pretend to not be afraid of her ruthlessness. 

I can’t stand Kaidan’s touch. When we talk, I see his fingers twitch like he wants to touch me. I lean away, put between us as much space as possible. I can see the hurt in his face and his voice turns from warm to ice-cold.

I can’t blame him. I crave him and the comfort he gives me but I feel sick with myself. I can’t touch him because I can remember Ashley’s crush on him. I can remember the adorable blush that appeared on her cheeks, when she talked about Kaidan. I can remember her last words to him – as she ordered me to choose her for the suicide mission. 

It’s difficult to forget the what-ifs that we could have. The way she looked at me – with challenge and something warm in her rebellious eyes. The first time she called me “skipper” and I couldn’t help but smile at that. Ashley didn’t look apologetic at all. 

Kaidan gives me space, lets me avoid him. I start to spend more time with Liara, who still stumbles over words and is so to-the-point. 

Sometimes I think it would be better if I fell for her. She says I’m a hero but there’s no need for me to pretend. I spend time laying on her bed and listening to her soothing voice as she talks about her mother. 

Sometimes, I tell her pieces of my childhood. She squeezes my hand and weaves histories of how my life could like if I was found by an asari mother. They are beautiful visions. 

I miss Wrex. That’s not something I can say out-loud around what’s left of my people. But I do. I have his death on my hands – even if I was not the one to pull the trigger. I can understand Wrex and I wish he gave me a chance to prove it. I know how important the cure was for him. 

I wish it didn’t end like that. 

Kaidan finally has enough of me hiding and running and corners me next to Ashley’s locker. 

“Ailish” he calls my name with firmness and I look at him. “I mean, Shepard”

I smile. It feels so free and normal.

He rubs the back of his neck and I feel like moving on. Or maybe that’s Ashley’s ghost pushing me ahead. 

“Kaidan” he looks at me with wide, surprised eyes, when I call his name. “Is there a problem?” I’m smiling even if I try to look professional. 

I can’t fool him the way I can’t fool Liara or couldn’t Ashley.

“No, I don’t think there’s any problem anymore, _Shepard_ ” he’s smiling back at me. “Is there?”

I reach for his hand and pulls him in a hug, while he stands petrified. I chuckle into his shirt.

“No, I don’t think there’s any problem anymore, Kaidan” I repeat his words and kiss him softly. 

Kaidan still looks dumbfounded, when I pull away and walk towards Liara’s quarters. When I turn, he’s touching his lips.

I laugh.


End file.
